How Ernie Duncan coped with depression, suicidal thoughts to return to UVM basketball

HARTFORD, Conn. - Ernie Duncan almost didn't make it here.

Overcome with depression and anxiety, Duncan quietly left the University of Vermont men's basketball team last summer, resigned to not return for his senior season.

The game he loved and cherished his whole life did not occupy his mind like it once did.

"I couldn’t even look at a basketball court," Duncan said.

Instead, thoughts of suicide filled that space.

"I would go back to the house and I would lay there and think, ‘I really don’t want to be on earth anymore. I want to end it.’ My pain felt that bad," Duncan said. "Mentally, it was crushing me. I couldn’t get out of my room, I would just lay there in the dark."

Through a strong support system and his own self-reflection and discovery, Duncan erased those blurred margins, emerging healthier and happier, and rejoined the Catamounts in time for the start of school in late August.

"That’s why I’ve enjoyed this year so much more than anything. It’s been a dream come true for me because of what I went through," Duncan said. "That’s why I’ve enjoyed stepping on the court, I’m just happy to be here."

In his final collegiate season, his fifth in Burlington, the Evansville, Indiana, native shared history with two of his brothers, led the America East Conference in 3-point percentage and was a team leader for the Catamounts as they captured the league championship at home to book the program's seventh NCAA Tournament appearance.

More:March Madness: Coverage of UVM basketball in the 2019 NCAA Tournament 

More:UVM men's basketball: How three Duncan brothers ended up at Vermont

"It’s been a different Ernie this year," UVM coach John Becker said. "I’ve mentioned quite a bit throughout the year how much joy he’s played with and how he's carried himself day to day. It’s been awesome to see.

"I’m just so thankful he didn’t miss this opportunity to play with his brothers and to go to the NCAA Tournament with his brothers."

Duncan and his younger brothers, Everett and Robin, are likely to become the first trio of brothers to play in an NCAA Tournament game for the same team when No. 13 Vermont (27-6) takes on fourth-seeded Florida State (27-7) in a first-round tilt on Thursday. The West Region matchup at the XL Center is scheduled for a 2 p.m. tipoff on TBS.

Before the Catamounts left UVM on Tuesday, Duncan agreed to an extended interview with the Burlington Free Press and detailed a personal journey that nearly spiraled out of his control.

"It was the worst pain in my life," Duncan said. "But now I want to slow down time this week (in Hartford). I want to slow down today’s practice, I want to slow down film sessions. It’s just so special to be a part of a brotherhood.

"It’s crazy where I was at. It’s why I have so many emotions."

Duncan was done playing basketball

When it came time to report back to UVM for summer workouts in June, Duncan told the coaching staff he was unsure if basketball remained in his future.

"I was having panic attacks, anxiety attacks that I didn’t really know what they were," Duncan said. "I was just like, 'I can’t sleep, I can’t go to sleep.' I couldn’t really do anything. I didn’t work out for weeks, I was eating bad. I was just in a really bad place.

"Pretty much, I wasn’t coming back to play this year."

When Duncan did return to Vermont, in early July, he remained absent from team activities. He also missed UVM's exhibition tour in Montreal in August.

"I thought he was done," Everett Duncan said. "I think it was the most low point I’ve ever seen him, just from a human being standpoint. It wasn't even about basketball."

Said Becker: "We were preparing to not have him this year. I thought we'd honor his scholarship and he'd finish his degree and not play."

Duncan's darkest moment

Ernie Duncan said he couldn't pinpoint the source of his struggles, surmising it was issues from childhood.

"I don’t know what kind of led to my depression. Maybe the way I was raised," said Duncan, one of six siblings. "Some of the stuff that I dealt with growing up came to the surface out of nowhere that I was pushing down, hiding before."

Duncan's darkest moment came sitting in his room in Burlington in July.

"I texted my girlfriend, ‘I’m done, I can’t do this anymore’ and I put my phone down," Duncan said. "I was thinking of every possible scenario to end my life. I need to find a way to escape this pain, I thought that 100 percent."

Then Duncan heard a banging on his door. It was teammate Josh Speidel, who'd received a phone call from Duncan's worried girlfriend, Katie Lavelle, a former UVM women's basketball player.

"He asked me if I was OK and he told me that Katie is calling him, wanting to know what I was doing," Duncan said. "Katie said to me, 'You have to find some help.'"

Getting help to deal with depression

Duncan had long conversations with Ari Shapiro-Miller, an assistant director of athletics for sport psychology and counseling, to help him through his most trying times.

"I was able to say a bunch of stuff that I never said before and able to be emotional with (Shapiro-Miller)," Duncan said. "I feel like people, especially men, are almost afraid to cry. I was afraid to cry and I think that contributed to where I was.

"Ari was able to make me feel comfortable to let my emotions out. Crying is good stuff, it helps you mentally. I was able to break down everything that’s happened in my past that possibly contributed to my fall this past summer."

Duncan read other athletes' stories on mental health, like NBA star Kevin Love's "Everyone is Going Through Something," which Love wrote for The Players Tribune last March. He relied on chats with friends, teammates — Nate Rohrer, a 2018 program grad, is Duncan's best friend — and Becker's fatherly advice to use as positive outlets.

Then a trip to San Jose with Lavelle, at the same time the Catamounts took part in their Canadian series, provided Duncan with a chance to hopefully regain his passion for basketball. 

"I wanted to miss basketball and I did, I missed it so much," Duncan said. "That’s when things turned for the best."

Everett Duncan also viewed it as a turning point for his older brother and the team.

"Playing those games, we felt deflated at times. We all missed Ernie and wanted him to be there," Everett Duncan said. "I think he’s at the best place he’s been. I don’t think he’s had a negative day (since). He’s been so upbeat and it’s been great."

Duncan hopes his story helps someone else who's in need

After he was subbed out in the America East championship game, Duncan went down the bench, hugging every coach and player.

"All those people in that line helped me," Duncan said. "They were all there for me at my lowest. I had never been that low in my life."

When the final horn sounded following their 66-49 win over Maryland-Baltimore County, Duncan soon shared another embrace with Becker, thanking him for the support, and then conducted a happy-as-can-be video interview on the court with his brothers, Everett and Robin, who became the first trio of brothers to start for a Division I men's hoops team since 1977.

"That’s why the winning feels so good," Duncan said. "What I went through last summer, winning on Saturday was so sweet because of all that."

Duncan wants to pay it forward.

"There is someone out there struggling right now or someone that is going to be struggling in a couple months or whenever and they could be searching the internet for research," Duncan said. "I want somebody to read (this) story and find some type of comfort or a way to relax themselves, to understand that there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel.

"It’s easier said than done, but you just have to believe. You can’t give in to the negative thoughts creeping in."

Shapiro-Miller said Duncan's openness is a sign of strong character.

"He wants to help other people and if can help just one other person, that would make him pretty happy," Shapiro-Miller said. "It says a lot about the person he is."

Contact Alex Abrami at 660-1848 or aabrami@freepressmedia.com. Follow him on Twitter @aabrami5.

Help is here

If you are need of help, there are local and national agencies ready to listen and provide support:

Local: First Call for Chittenden County (802-488-7777) 

Local: Northwestern counseling and support services for Franklin/Grand Isle counties (802-524-6554)

Text: Vermont crisis line, text VT to 741741

National lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 or https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org.